Monday, June 11, 2012

Did you ever wonder where your identity goes when you become a mother? I must have read a million baby books before my first was born. I had plenty of friends, family and even strangers come to me and tell me what to expect. It was pretty obvious that my life was never going to be the same, but no one told me that I would lose myself. No one said that the being you were before is now gone. My whole life I have always been at the end of the line with a last name staring with "W", and now I feel like my self is still there at the end of the line. The mother is at the front, the leader of the pact of roles. She's stern and unforgivable, with every try to reach the front Jamie is pushed back and swore to stay away.  And what keeps Jamie at the back of the line is guilt. Guilt for wanting to just be herself for a day, guilt for wanting alone time, and guilt for wishing bottles and bath time wasn't her Saturday night.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Things have been extremely different lately, and honestly I don't feel like I have anyone to confide in so I suppose jotting down some notes here may help me feel some release from the ropes tying me down. I grew up with the attitude to never shed a tear and to never let any emotions show. It was really a mindset I had adapted to in my childhood where no matter what was inflicted on me, I would not let them see a single tear. I still have this temperament but it's getting harder to uphold. I wonder if I'm getting weaker as I age. I feel like my body is slowly giving out on me. I have various health issues that make my already challenging life difficult. I'm in pain most days, soon enough I hope the doctors find out exactly way. I think maybe that has had an effect on my emotions...causing me to be more emotional, because an individual can only handle a certain amount of pain before they break. I feel like I'm getting it from all directions, my heart, my stomach, my whole body just aches.  Most days even if I sleep threw the night I wake up exhausted and force myself to get threw my day this way. There are times when I feel so overwhelmed I'd give anything to just sit on the floor and cry and go into a deep sleep. But that isn't an option when I have two sets of eyes looking at me completely dependent on my next move.

I recently moved out of a bad situation, the landlord was family and she was a horrible landlord. She never made an attempt to fix anything in the house and I always attributed it to her own issues in her life. After we moved out she saw the condition of her home and voiced her opinion all over FB stating it looked like a foreclosed home and how could I allow my children to live there. This statements although carried no weight, had me reanalyze my whole parenting style and how well I take care of my kids. It's left me concluding that I can't do everything I have on my plate well, maybe I'm not strong enough to handle this load. But I do everything in my power to ensure my children are safe and well taken care of. I've worked 60-70 hour weeks with a full college load to be able to afford to give them a nice home and a safe vehicle. I work my ass off to make sure they are spoiled and have everything their little hearts desire. And for someone to accuse me of being a horrible mother and letting them live in slum, just absolutely enrages me. I am the type of person to have my home clean at all cost. If it means going to bed at two in the morning, then so be it the dishes and trash and home will be clean. This last semester I let a few things go, nothing extreme because my course work was overwhelming and the classes were harder. I was attending class on campus 4 days a week, and going to an EMT class 2 nights a week, and 40-50 work weeks.  I made average grades, I suppose was an average mother and an average worker.

I'm not complaining, I suppose I'm whining. My life is tough, some of it was my fault and some of it I was dealt. It could be worse, it could be better. I need to shake off these emotions and move on. I have unpacking to do, children to tend too, and homework and work.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Hannah


Hannah-Marie was born October 18th at 0409 at Sentara Norfolk General. I was suppose to be induced that morning at 6 am. I had stayed up till around eleven o'clock working on some homework, after laying down for what seemed like only a few minutes I was woken up by my water breaking! I was excited that I got to experience it naturally. I almost went back to sleep I was so tired, thinking it's only my water breaking. I got up a few minutes later when a painful contraction hit me. I woke up my husband and jumped in the shower. I thought the water would stop, but it just kept gushing out of me. I got dressed the best I could and we left in a rush. The baby felt extremely low to me, and I started to worry. We arrived at the hospital and had to go through the ER, I kept telling them, I'm having contractions the baby is really low we need to get upstairs. My bp was 172/102 when they checked me in, they finally took me upstairs to labor and delivery and at this point the contractions were getting more intense.

The nurses didn't seem to hurried to see me and get me in a room. I remember being in pain and thinking what is taking them so long! Finally a nurse came into the room I was in and hooked me up to the monitor and started asking questions. They checked me and said I was only a 3 cm which I didn't believe. I was in extreme pain at this point with each contraction. They could not give me an epidural until my labs came back because I was on Heparin. It seemed like an eternity before they got the results and the lady started the epidural. It's was impossible to stay completely still while she tried to start it. She told me she had to work through my contractions, at this point I was throwing up after each contraction and almost passed out twice due to the pain. My bp was through the roof. She finished and they laid me down. Well the epidural took forever to kick in and it only barely numbed my feet, not my waist at all! They checked me again and I was at 7 cm, they went ahead and re-did the epidural to relieve my pain. Finally it started numbing the contractions and I got to lay down.

Arnold went to move the car from the ER parking lot, and the RN started hooking me back up to the monitor. She couldn't find the baby's heartbeat anywhere. She started calling people on the phone to come to my room stat, she called it a "cold baby". Then there was seven or eight people in my room in a matter of minutes. While she is trying to check for the baby, someone checks me and I am complete and crowned! They told me I needed to start pushing now, and of course I couldn't feel anything from the waist down. A RN called my husband who ended up making a U turn and parking the car in the exact same spot, he literally just left the parking lot it was that quick. He ran all the way to my room, as soon as he walked in they told him to hold my right leg and it was time to push. They told me when to push, it only took four contractions and my Hannah was out. She cried immediately and they rushed her off to be checked out. The doctor said she had the cord wrapped around her body a few times. It seemed like forever before I got to hold her. Finally they gave her to me and I got to met her. She was so quiet and just stared into my eyes. She nursed right away.

I was in an after delivery room by 6 am. It happened so fast I couldn't even grasp that I had just had a baby.


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Big U/s today!

We had our "big" ultrasound this evening, the baby looked nice and healthy! She measured in the 69% percent, and weights .9 ounces! Although I've gained 15 pounds, how does that work?! We got tons of great pictures and it's still a GIRL ! Our Kaycie has named her Hannah.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Couponing

So, I suppose you can say I've jumped on the train. I saw a few episodes of "Extreme Couponing" and a light bulb went off in my head. It just seemed like the right thing to do considering my husband has been unemployed for the last 9 months! In the weeks where I was literally working 70 hours a week, it would have been nice to know a few couponing tricks! A few websites that really help me out are www.ourcouponhome.com, www.thekrazycouponlady.com, www.totallytarget.com. www.groupon.com.

Today's Target trip

1 Large Palmolive
6pk Energizer batteries
1 Nivea Bath Wash
3 Degree Mens Deodorant
4 pk BIC Soleil Razors
1 Aquafresh Kids Tooth Paste
1 Dulcolax

Out of pocket 16.60 Saved 17.55


Monday, May 16, 2011

Expecting


Is definitely expecting again...and it's weird. It's almost as if I don't believe it. Even after three ultrasounds. Sometimes during the day it randomly hits me and I'm like, wow, I'm going to have a baby!

Due October 25th!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Deployments...

...they take away your love one for far too long. They make you learn to live on your own, to not depend on anyone for anything. You must survive alone, face the world alone, raise your children alone. They take away your rock, your best friend, your lover and half your soul. Then when you just believe it will never end and you've lost your love...it throws him back into your arms. You cry with joy and are bloated with happiness. Then life settles in. The arguments start, and tears are shed. Who is this being you handed me back? Why has he changed?

You asked me to survive on my own, and now I have a second half that I must reason with, and make decisions with again? How are we suppose to find the groove we once had?

Dear Deployment, I will never forgive you for making me suffer the loss of my daughter alone. I will never forgive you for taking him from me in my darkest hour. For making me pick up my child's ashes alone. I will never forgive you for making me sleep in an empty bed that should have been filled with my newborns slumber sleep, and husbands gentle arms. And even as you continued to throw hardships at me for a year, I prevailed. We prevailed. So why do we now crumble and clash like a wave amongst a wall of rocks? Is it because we prevailed alone, that now we can no longer come together as one? We stand tall individually, but as awkward as a pair of thieves together.