Thursday, August 27, 2009

Our pregnancy story

At 15 weeks 3 days I went in for a routine ultrasound and the tech discovered our baby had a cystic hygroma. I was set up an appointment with a fetal specialist a week later. I was uneasy about the time spent "not knowing" what was wrong with my child. The doctor had only briefly said "well it could be genetic, a heart defect or nothing". And that was it! I spent the whole week looking up all the possible outcomes and what exactly could be wrong with my baby. By the end of the week I was feeling positive and deciding to be as hopefull as possible. I would catch myself thinking or planning something for the baby and then stopping myself. Telling myself, "you should wait".

Well today was the big day, the day of truth. I had a detailed ultrasound. I spent the whole ride up there (it was an hour away) praying the baby had a heartbeat. That was my first obstacle. Let there be a heartbeat and then I'll worry about the cysts. As soon as the ultrasound tech started, I could see the cysts. They are about the same size as the babies head. I was dissappointed but hopeful. I have read that they can go down on their own up till 30 weeks. The ultrasound tech looked at all the organs and head. Taking her time and taking tons of pictures. Finally after about an hour she said she was going to get the doctor to explain everything.

Well the doctor, the tech and the genetic counselor all walked into the room. The doctor stated, "today is not a happy day for you, let me show you everything that is wrong'. He first went to the babies heart and told me that she had a severe heart defect. The tech was unable to find the fourth chamber! I thought she spent a lot of time on the heart but it looked fine to me. The heartbeat sounded normal and was at 160. Then he went over the cysts and then the fluid in the babies spine. He clearly stated he thought the baby had a chromosome issue and a heart defect and asked me if I wanted to terminate right now. That was a complete shock, actually I didn't even remeber that part until later on.

Well I was not going to take all of this laying down (even though I was on the table). I asked him if the baby had "hydrops" or was the fluid only in the cysts. He confirmed yes the baby had fluid all in her organs and under her skin. I then asked for an amino and that I wanted the FISH results that could be given in 48 hours. The doctor seemed shocked. He said yes, they could do that. I informed them all that I was not going to just terminate my baby. I would wait for the amino results and see if the baby had a chromosome issue. Only then if it came back positive for a life threatening syndrome would I consider termination. I also stated if the tests came back normal then I would wait until the baby could see a cardio specialist and tell me exactly what was wrong with her heart. I had done my research and had already knew the doctor would suggest termination.

I don't understand it, why would they not give the baby a chance? Is our society so obessed with perfection that they'd just terminate an unperfect baby?

You'll really asking me if you want me to let you take the baby out of me still alive and let it die? After I just watched my baby on the screen dancing and playing in my belly? Are you serious right now?

I'm not a super religious person, but I believe although all odds are against my baby she is fighting in there. Her little heart is pumping away with a passion. I will not give up on her. When she is ready and tired and wants to go to heaven, I will let her. And I will be there for her in her journey.

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