Monday, September 28, 2009

Sick again

Well I've had a headache for 7 days straight now. I wake up with it, I go to bed with it, I wake up in the middle of the night because it hurts so bad. I called the Obgyn's office who saw me last and they said they didn't think it had anything to do with having the baby. So I called my other Obgyn for a second opinion, and they said the same thing. So I went to a regular doctor who after blood work said I did have an infection. After tons and tons of medicine, a shot to relieve pressure in my head and vicodine, I still have a freaking headache.

I just want my body to go back to normal so I can move on. I am so ready to work out and lose wieght and get back to normal.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Thank you

Thanks to everyone who reads my vents, and for your kind words.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

It's late

It's 1230 am and of course I'm up thinking about things. I am able to keep myself busy all day long and then when it's time to settle down and get ready for bed, I go nuts. I'm sitting here wondering why this happened to us? I know I will never get an answer, I know that it was just a random error that my baby girl had Turners. With Turners syndrome a baby girl is missing an X chromosome. I'm not very religious, which I'm thankful for because I suppose right now I 'd be damning God, and then confused. I believe it was just an error. But I really wish there was someone to blame. It would be easier to be able to point a finger and get angry. I'm glad I'm smart enough not to blame myself. I think in loss, especially in a situation like this, the mother always blames herself. Theres a million things your not suppose to do pregnant. I'm sure theres a mother out there that would find something she did and blame it on herself.

So I'm not mad at god or myself. I just have blind anger. Not directed at anyone. I just keep thinking, "I just want my baby girl". But I know she is gone. It's hard shopping for Kaycie now, I have to shop in the baby section. I have to shop for her diapers and wipes. I have to walk by the little baby clothes and socks. It's depressing. I shopped for her today and just tried my hardest to block out my thoughts of Hope. If I let myself, I will start wondering random things about Hope, would she have like baby food? Would she have liked to sleep on her belly or back? I'm angry that I will never be able to breast fed her, I was really looking forward to that again this pregnancy. I was really thinking of trying to make it breast feeding for one year.

I have all Kaycie's old clothes and car seat in my bedroom. I can't wait until I can get it in storage. It's waiting for a baby that will never come.

In a few days I will be driving to Richmond to pick up her ashes. I wonder if having her here will ease the pain? I am looking for a sweet baby urn to put them in. I hope one day when I pass that her ashes will be scattered with mine.

Monday, September 21, 2009

One day

I wish my family members would understand that one day I may seem fine and the other day I just want to be left alone. GOODNESS SAKES PEOPLE it hasn't even been a week yet. I can only pretend to be happy but for so long.

This time last week I was sitting at home with my husband being thrilled he was home on leave. I was nervous but hopeful of my ultrasound. No where in my mind did I think my baby was gone. I was seriously thinking wow, she made it this far, she'll probably make it. And having my husband here just made it feel like everything was going to be alright. And the next day I was hit with the worst news of my life.

And tomorrow it will be one week.

Today

Well today my milk came in. It's so awful to have full breasts and no baby. Of course I was holding Kaycie while she was crying after falling and it dropped. Leaked all over, I had a feeling it was going to happen and was wearing nursing pads. My mom was over, I just kept quiet. I was able to "dry up" when I stopped breast feeding Kaycie in a day so I'm hoping in a few days they will be back to normal. It's just another painful reminder.

Someone told me today after hearing about Hope's loss, "well maybe it was for the best". Are you fucking serious? I'm so sick of hearing this statement. She was my baby, I didn't care that she had Turners Syndrome. She would have been my perfect little baby girl and I would have loved her just the same. Having an issue like Turners doesnt' mean you don't deserve to live because you are different. Then she said, "well it wouldn't have been fair to Kaycie." HuH? Are you serious? I have no doubt in my mind that Kaycie would have loved her baby sister just the way she was. My little sister had a stroke at a week old and is handicap in many ways. I loved her in my own special way growing up and was always a mother figure to her, taking special care of her and feeling like her "protector". I don't think it would have been any different with Kaycie. It's not fair that Kaycie lost her baby sister.

So I really wish people would stop telling me maybe this is better. It's not better that my baby died.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Today

Just when I think the days should be getting better. I came home last night without my baby. She was not in my belly and was not in my arms. I really didn't want to leave the hospital with out her. Then I came home to an empty house. My husband had come home on leave but left while I was away. He left his clothes on the bed, as if he would be coming home soon to put them back on. I don't want to move them because that means he really won't be coming home anytime soon, one whole year. So half my family is missing. I picked up Kaycie this morning and right now she really is my only reason for living. For getting out of bed and going about my day. My precious Kaycie is all I have right now.

I wonder when this terrible feeling is going to go away. It's just a feeling of complete emptiness. I know I'm not pregnant anymore but I don't have a baby to hold either.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Hope

Our baby girl has grew wings and gone to heaven. We found out threw ultrasound this morning. It is officially the worst day of my life. There is no words to describe the amount of pain I am in.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

She's Okay

I feel horrible now, I had posted about my cramping and never posted the outcome! Well after two days of cramping and back pain everything is fine. I've felt her move around and heard her heartbeat. She is still fighting in there. I'm shocked, I can't wait to see how she is doing on Tuesday at our next ultrasound. I really hope that she has improved.


I had the wierdest dream ever last night.....I was on the second floor of a building. All my friends and family members were also on the floor. It was like a game show, I was in the show and was fighting against one other person for first place. The prize was a million dollars. All my friends and family members were sitting at tables eating, drinking and having a good time. There was a maze within the crowds and tables, after completing the maze and being the first one done, I looked around the room for my prize. There was a split second pause as I held my breath waiting for the announcer to state that I had won and that I was rich. I looked around the room at all the smiling faces and celebrating family members. Then an explosion happened, throwing me backwards. When I came too, the building was in shambles. I looked for family members but where they were sitting was only black charcoaled remains. There were a few survivors I did not know. A few running around on fire. In a daze I jumped off the floor onto the sidewalk and just looked up and down the street. Other buildings were damaged and falling apart.

One of the employees of the show came outside and sat on the sidewalk. I sat next to him. He asked me if I was okay. I whispered, "yeah, yeah I just finished the race...I was first...."

"Well, you can't expect us to pay you now."

Monday, September 7, 2009

oh

Well, I woke up this morning with cramping. But then again I've had a lot of it this pregnancy. I almost knew something was wrong before that ultrasound that proved it. My stomach was always sore and it was almost painful when the baby moved? Not sure why that is. I went to the doctors last week because I was cramping and it ended up being nothing. But I have to be neutral. I spent most of the day trying to keep myself as busy as possible. Really although I've felt horrible all day it wasn't until now I started really thinking about the situation. It's sad but I told my DH I was cramping and was just like if it gets worse I'll go to the ER, if not I'll just stay at home. I figured I'd be panicking or something. But I suppose I've accepted what will probably happen and will deal with it as calmly as possible. It's kinda horrible. I have a bag packed for DD so in case it gets worse I can just scoop her up in the car and take her to a sitter to go to the ER.

I don't want it to happen but I fear it is coming.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

ARGH

Is starting to feel silly trying to believe my baby will make it. She has hydrops, sepated cystic hygroma, a heart defect and Turners syndrome. I'm trying so hard to believe but it's impossible. If I contuine the pregnancy out of my own selfish wish for her survival, really what quality of life will she have? She will look differently then her classmates, have the potential to have an array of learning disabilities, an array of health issues including diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, kidney failure. Not to mention she will never go thru puberty and will never be able to concieve children. Will she want to live?

Am I making the right choice giving her a fighting chance?