Wednesday, September 23, 2009

It's late

It's 1230 am and of course I'm up thinking about things. I am able to keep myself busy all day long and then when it's time to settle down and get ready for bed, I go nuts. I'm sitting here wondering why this happened to us? I know I will never get an answer, I know that it was just a random error that my baby girl had Turners. With Turners syndrome a baby girl is missing an X chromosome. I'm not very religious, which I'm thankful for because I suppose right now I 'd be damning God, and then confused. I believe it was just an error. But I really wish there was someone to blame. It would be easier to be able to point a finger and get angry. I'm glad I'm smart enough not to blame myself. I think in loss, especially in a situation like this, the mother always blames herself. Theres a million things your not suppose to do pregnant. I'm sure theres a mother out there that would find something she did and blame it on herself.

So I'm not mad at god or myself. I just have blind anger. Not directed at anyone. I just keep thinking, "I just want my baby girl". But I know she is gone. It's hard shopping for Kaycie now, I have to shop in the baby section. I have to shop for her diapers and wipes. I have to walk by the little baby clothes and socks. It's depressing. I shopped for her today and just tried my hardest to block out my thoughts of Hope. If I let myself, I will start wondering random things about Hope, would she have like baby food? Would she have liked to sleep on her belly or back? I'm angry that I will never be able to breast fed her, I was really looking forward to that again this pregnancy. I was really thinking of trying to make it breast feeding for one year.

I have all Kaycie's old clothes and car seat in my bedroom. I can't wait until I can get it in storage. It's waiting for a baby that will never come.

In a few days I will be driving to Richmond to pick up her ashes. I wonder if having her here will ease the pain? I am looking for a sweet baby urn to put them in. I hope one day when I pass that her ashes will be scattered with mine.

2 comments:

  1. Jamie, I know you are going through so much right now. I want to share a link with you. This is where I got Nikki's urn. Like you I hope to have her ashes combined with mine when it's my turn to go.

    http://www.infanturns.com/info/bear_urn.htm

    They are not pricey at all and have fast shipping. Every time I look at Nikki's urn I picture her sleeping like the bear does on the urn. I know all about that blind anger.. it would be so easy to blame someone else!!!! I did everything right and my baby still died. Being told it was a fluke of nature doesn't answer anything and I'm still without answers almost 6 years later. Feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to or you need to vent!

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  2. Thank you so much I will check out the site! I'm so sorry for you loss.

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