Monday, September 21, 2009

Today

Well today my milk came in. It's so awful to have full breasts and no baby. Of course I was holding Kaycie while she was crying after falling and it dropped. Leaked all over, I had a feeling it was going to happen and was wearing nursing pads. My mom was over, I just kept quiet. I was able to "dry up" when I stopped breast feeding Kaycie in a day so I'm hoping in a few days they will be back to normal. It's just another painful reminder.

Someone told me today after hearing about Hope's loss, "well maybe it was for the best". Are you fucking serious? I'm so sick of hearing this statement. She was my baby, I didn't care that she had Turners Syndrome. She would have been my perfect little baby girl and I would have loved her just the same. Having an issue like Turners doesnt' mean you don't deserve to live because you are different. Then she said, "well it wouldn't have been fair to Kaycie." HuH? Are you serious? I have no doubt in my mind that Kaycie would have loved her baby sister just the way she was. My little sister had a stroke at a week old and is handicap in many ways. I loved her in my own special way growing up and was always a mother figure to her, taking special care of her and feeling like her "protector". I don't think it would have been any different with Kaycie. It's not fair that Kaycie lost her baby sister.

So I really wish people would stop telling me maybe this is better. It's not better that my baby died.

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