Thursday, October 15, 2009

It's not funny

It's funny how one little thing can ruin my whole "it's okay" thought process. I've been doing really well with dealing with things; my loss and my husband deployed. Hell I even went into "Maternity Mother" last week because I knew they sold animal crackers and Kaycie needed a snack. Yes, I was asked when I was due, and given a free "Expecting" bag full of coupons for formula. I brushed it off and kept rolling. I look at pregnant woman and don't cringe or get jealous anymore. As far as Arnold being deployed I've just dealt with it. He is gone, theres nothing I can do.

Well after one bad (small) incident, I was knocked off my "happy" horse today and just feel like everything sucks. I remember the day I found out Hope had passed I remember sobbing to Arnold, this wasn't the way it was suppose to happen. I remember being in the OR before they put me to sleep thinking, this isn't the way I was suppose to have her. And tonight I sit here thinking, this isn't how we had planned things. Right now I'm suppose to be 25 weeks pregnant with my baby girl, paying of debt with Arnold's army pay and saving for our house. Now I'm not pregnant, still trying to pay off medical bills and feeling miserable.

It's the worse feeling ever when you need your Hubby and he isn't there. And I know he isn't because he can't be but it's getting so old. He wasn't here the morning I found out Hope had issues. He wasn't here for any doctor visits after that, when I kept finding out things were worse with her. He wasn't here the day the genetic counselor called to say it was "Turners", and he wasn't here when they took her from me. And now when I do get depressed about our situation, I can't even pick up the phone and call him or text him. He is in Iraq. Why did everything have to go so wrong while he was gone? Is this a test of my strength? Am I suppose to go through this alone? I know I can get through this, the worse has passed. I'm just feeling the aftermath. I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing, trying to be the best mom possible to Kaycie, getting good grades for our future, and taking better care of my body.

I'm going to bed, hopefully tomorrow morning I'll wake up in good spirits with the "I think I can" attitude. I think all I really need is to see my Kaycie smile, and all will be good again. I think this is the only time I have ever wanted her to be NOT sleeping :)

Thursday, October 8, 2009

When to have another...

When I first lost Hope, I thought that I would never want to try again or have another baby. And now not even a month later I am constantly thinking about trying again. I am almost glad my husband is deployed because I would probably be in serious turmoil everyday wondering if we should try. At least with him not here I can't make a crazy decision. He will not be home until late January when he gets his leave. So now I ask myself everyday if we will try when he is home. I know that my baby Hope is gone and getting pregnant again will not bring her back. I am worried that I am trying to fill that void but at the same time I so wanted another baby to love and to hold. If we don't try in January we won't be able to again until August maybe even September 2010, which means I won't even have the baby till 2011! That seems so far away to me. I don't think I want to wait that long. Gosh I don' t know what to do. I know I have 3 months to make the decision but I just wish I knew. I don't even know if I will be able to handle being pregnant again, I will be an emotional wreck until the baby is actually born and in my arms.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

No more baby stuff

I suppose it is the perfect time. Kaycie is now a toddler and doesn't need any of her baby things. I was keeping everything around for Hope, but she is gone. So I spent the whole day boxing up all of Kaycie's old toys, onsies, everything! All her summer clothes are put away and all of her cute baby toys. She doesn't play with any of them anymore, they don't hold her attention. I also cleaned out my closest. A week before I found out Hope passed I had finally taken my maternity clothes out of storage and they have been laying on my closest floor for a few weeks. I really needed to get them out of there, looking at them everyday sucked. So now I have no more maternity clothes and no more baby things. I feel like I've cleansed myself today. Not to forget about Hope but more like to make it final. She's not coming home so there is no need for these things.

While I was boxing up Kaycies summer clothes I came across a onsies I had bought for the new baby, I was so certain that it was going to be a boy. I had bought a onsies that said "Daddies little helper" and it's blue. Sometimes I wonder if I would still be pregnant if it had been a boy. Turners Syndrome only happens to girls. I always feel guilty when I think this. I don't want to forget about Hope or wish her away by wishing I had a boy.

I couldn't bring myself to throw away the onsie, so I just put it in with all of her clothes. I had bought it at a time when I was still an innocent mommy, thinking nothing in the world could be wrong with my baby, a happy pregnant mommy. That's broken now, I will never look at pregnancy the same. I have to hold onto that moment, even if it's just a onsie.