Well after one bad (small) incident, I was knocked off my "happy" horse today and just feel like everything sucks. I remember the day I found out Hope had passed I remember sobbing to Arnold, this wasn't the way it was suppose to happen. I remember being in the OR before they put me to sleep thinking, this isn't the way I was suppose to have her. And tonight I sit here thinking, this isn't how we had planned things. Right now I'm suppose to be 25 weeks pregnant with my baby girl, paying of debt with Arnold's army pay and saving for our house. Now I'm not pregnant, still trying to pay off medical bills and feeling miserable.
It's the worse feeling ever when you need your Hubby and he isn't there. And I know he isn't because he can't be but it's getting so old. He wasn't here the morning I found out Hope had issues. He wasn't here for any doctor visits after that, when I kept finding out things were worse with her. He wasn't here the day the genetic counselor called to say it was "Turners", and he wasn't here when they took her from me. And now when I do get depressed about our situation, I can't even pick up the phone and call him or text him. He is in Iraq. Why did everything have to go so wrong while he was gone? Is this a test of my strength? Am I suppose to go through this alone? I know I can get through this, the worse has passed. I'm just feeling the aftermath. I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing, trying to be the best mom possible to Kaycie, getting good grades for our future, and taking better care of my body.
I'm going to bed, hopefully tomorrow morning I'll wake up in good spirits with the "I think I can" attitude. I think all I really need is to see my Kaycie smile, and all will be good again. I think this is the only time I have ever wanted her to be NOT sleeping :)