Thursday, October 15, 2009

It's not funny

It's funny how one little thing can ruin my whole "it's okay" thought process. I've been doing really well with dealing with things; my loss and my husband deployed. Hell I even went into "Maternity Mother" last week because I knew they sold animal crackers and Kaycie needed a snack. Yes, I was asked when I was due, and given a free "Expecting" bag full of coupons for formula. I brushed it off and kept rolling. I look at pregnant woman and don't cringe or get jealous anymore. As far as Arnold being deployed I've just dealt with it. He is gone, theres nothing I can do.

Well after one bad (small) incident, I was knocked off my "happy" horse today and just feel like everything sucks. I remember the day I found out Hope had passed I remember sobbing to Arnold, this wasn't the way it was suppose to happen. I remember being in the OR before they put me to sleep thinking, this isn't the way I was suppose to have her. And tonight I sit here thinking, this isn't how we had planned things. Right now I'm suppose to be 25 weeks pregnant with my baby girl, paying of debt with Arnold's army pay and saving for our house. Now I'm not pregnant, still trying to pay off medical bills and feeling miserable.

It's the worse feeling ever when you need your Hubby and he isn't there. And I know he isn't because he can't be but it's getting so old. He wasn't here the morning I found out Hope had issues. He wasn't here for any doctor visits after that, when I kept finding out things were worse with her. He wasn't here the day the genetic counselor called to say it was "Turners", and he wasn't here when they took her from me. And now when I do get depressed about our situation, I can't even pick up the phone and call him or text him. He is in Iraq. Why did everything have to go so wrong while he was gone? Is this a test of my strength? Am I suppose to go through this alone? I know I can get through this, the worse has passed. I'm just feeling the aftermath. I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing, trying to be the best mom possible to Kaycie, getting good grades for our future, and taking better care of my body.

I'm going to bed, hopefully tomorrow morning I'll wake up in good spirits with the "I think I can" attitude. I think all I really need is to see my Kaycie smile, and all will be good again. I think this is the only time I have ever wanted her to be NOT sleeping :)


3 comments:

  1. jamie icry for you and pray the Lord will ocmfort you. i don't now why bad things happen to good people, i don't think we will ever know. but this i do know when you can't stand heaven does stand and when you cry stay in his hand he will never leave or turn his heart from you he will hold you up. he never promised we not cry he only promised that we would be held - dorothy

    ReplyDelete
  2. Whatever you feel at any given moment is 100% okay -- I am from the Honeybees board and I've been checking in on your blog from time to time but I really wanted to comment on this entry because I worry that you might feel like you have to be "okay" or cheer up. It is okay to be down just like it is okay to be up. I guess what I'm saying in a roundabout way is that you are a strong person and there is strength even in being sad. You can be sad and still be present and engaged as a mom. Hang in there. --hsw24

    ReplyDelete