Saturday, October 3, 2009

No more baby stuff

I suppose it is the perfect time. Kaycie is now a toddler and doesn't need any of her baby things. I was keeping everything around for Hope, but she is gone. So I spent the whole day boxing up all of Kaycie's old toys, onsies, everything! All her summer clothes are put away and all of her cute baby toys. She doesn't play with any of them anymore, they don't hold her attention. I also cleaned out my closest. A week before I found out Hope passed I had finally taken my maternity clothes out of storage and they have been laying on my closest floor for a few weeks. I really needed to get them out of there, looking at them everyday sucked. So now I have no more maternity clothes and no more baby things. I feel like I've cleansed myself today. Not to forget about Hope but more like to make it final. She's not coming home so there is no need for these things.

While I was boxing up Kaycies summer clothes I came across a onsies I had bought for the new baby, I was so certain that it was going to be a boy. I had bought a onsies that said "Daddies little helper" and it's blue. Sometimes I wonder if I would still be pregnant if it had been a boy. Turners Syndrome only happens to girls. I always feel guilty when I think this. I don't want to forget about Hope or wish her away by wishing I had a boy.

I couldn't bring myself to throw away the onsie, so I just put it in with all of her clothes. I had bought it at a time when I was still an innocent mommy, thinking nothing in the world could be wrong with my baby, a happy pregnant mommy. That's broken now, I will never look at pregnancy the same. I have to hold onto that moment, even if it's just a onsie.

1 comment:

  1. In God's Eyes he wanted Little Miss Hope to be Daddy's Little Helper in Heaven...and She is a Special Guardian Angel to her Daddy. God Bless, Think of the Positives in it all just as you are doing. Always SSG FORD