Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Missing him

Errrrrrrr, I'm so over this. I want my husband home right now. Sick of grieving alone. Sick of being alone. I want my husband. I don't want to worry everyday that he is okay, I don't to see him on my laptop in a little box. I want to be in the room with him, I want to touch him, I want to smell him. I want to be in his arms. I long to have that moment where I feel safe in his arms...like nothing in the world can touch me. He is my protector and my hero...and it's like he is unreachable. And I never wanted to be a single mother...I want him home for my baby girl, she misses her daddy. She deserves her daddy...last few days have been so hard. I want to hear the keys jiggle in the door, I want to hear it open, and hear him say "Baby?".

Monday, November 9, 2009

This sucks...

So I received a call to confirm an ultrasound for tomorrow, I cancelled when my baby died. I scheduled it with a company who does 3D u/s, I booked the appointment at 14 weeks, being my naive self. I wanted to get really good pictures of the baby to send to my DH whose in Iraq. I cancelled the appointment a month ago. It was hard enough to cancel the appointment and say out loud my baby died. But now I just get another slap in the face, that I'm not pregnant. My baby is gone. Just a shitty day, I failed a huge test, I'm sick, and then that. I should just go to bed but I can't stop thinking of everything that sucks in my life right now...I know she is gone, but I want her back. I don't want another baby, I want my Hope.