The last few days have been difficult for me. A person I know threw family members gave birth last night to a baby girl. I knew it was coming, she found out she was pregnant a month before me. Well, apparently she needed a few last minute items and my sister was picking the things up for her from Babyrus. We were going to hang out after so we planned on meeting there at eleven. So I get there at eleven and I should have known my sister was going to be late. So there I was in the middle of the newborn aisle looking for newborn onsies for someone else's baby girl. I picked a few out and wondered how many pounds Hope could have been, and whether or not she would have been born with hair and what color. I didn't cry. I'm proud of that. I was just calm and cold, I guess. I thought about how I should have been shopping for my Hope. Buying her, her first outfit. Now I want to cry because I realize she never got to wear clothes. It still angers me that I never got to hold her, she was twenty weeks I should have been able too.
But anyways, I survived that today. Then my sister was looking at all the clothes after we were already done. And I asked her what she was doing. And she said "picking out clothes for my imagery baby". And I thought, I guess that is what I was doing too.
Hubby is coming home in a few days and we have discussed trying for another baby. I so want to have another child. I have been in a constant fight with myself over whether or not we would try on his leave for months. It's ate at me everyday, some nights not going to bed till two am. I really still do not know what to do. We could use a bigger place and I'm in college. It is probably not the best time. But I so want another baby, and am willing to put in the extra time and work. My main concern is hubby finding a job after this deployment. I don't want to be irresponsible and say screw it and get pregnant only to have the whole family suffer later because of me. I suppose the decision will be made in the heat of the moment.
We even talked about names today, and I got so excited. If we have another girl it will be Chloe or Sophia and if it is a boy, his name will be Logan. :)
I'm putting together a case for Hope's ashes. I want it to be white with a glass door. I want to sit Hope's ashes in it with her name written across the middle of it in pink. I want to put her ultrasound pictures in there with a little pair of baby shoes.