Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Been a while

It's been a long time since I posted. February was such a busy month, but it was indeed pleasant to see my husband again. I think late January, early February was such a blur with Hope's due date coming up. I think I thought about her ever day up until then and had myself in an emotional frenzy. I've been a lot better since her due date. I still think of her but in better ways. The other day I was running my usual run and I was thinking back to last April when I first found out I was pregnant. I had started going for light jogs because I was worried that I would gain tons of weight again (wow I wish that was the only thing I had to worry about). While I used to jog down the street pregnant with her I would always talk to her because they say you can jog pregnant but should be able to talk. :) I remember telling her one day, "I'm going to name you Hope, but your Daddy likes Hailey better, I'll just wait till your born to tell him!" So now when I run down the same path I have good thoughts to think, and I always image her with me!

I suppose it's gotten easier with Arnold gone. I don't even really think about it anymore, it's our way of life now. Talking to him through a computer screen is now normal. There are plenty of times I wish I could reach out and touch his face or kiss him. But he will be home soon enough.

A friend asked me the other day a question about my blog and I realized I never update the page. Kaycie's murmur was a functional one, the doctor said he couldn't even hear it while she was sitting up! When she laid down he could hear it very slightly and said it was nothing to worry about. We can bring her back in a few years to check again, but he thinks by then it will be gone. She is doing great, running around and giggling and talking up a storm always! Today was the first day I took her to the sitters and she cried when I turned to leave. She was crying by the window when I drove away and I wanted to turn my car around so bad and take her home! I thought I'll drop all my classes today, and stay home with my baby! But yeah thats not going to work, without college I won't be able to afford her toys and addiction to Gerber cheese puffs!

Also I have no big "news", while my husband was home we did not try to conceive. I really was just not ready too. It's weird, because I seriously drove myself crazy for months wondering if we would and if it'd work and then he came home and I just knew I wasn't ready. I didn't want to "hurry up" and replace what I had lost. I felt like I needed more time to grieve for Hope, she deserves my thoughts and emotions. Getting pregnant again would have made me think less of her, and I don't want to forget her. I would love to have more children, maybe sometime in the future I will be ready again.

School is absolutely insane right now anyways! Biology is kicking my butt, I'm starting clinicals and poor Physics is on the back burner. I hope what I have wrote makes sense, I'm running on little to no sleep and decided it'd be a great idea to work out on top of that! But going to bed very soon.

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