Friday, April 30, 2010

Monday, April 19, 2010

Today

Today a friend of mine was telling me about her ultrasound. She is eighteen weeks pregnant and was told her baby was six inches head to butt. She even grabbed a ruler and was showing me the size. Seriously all I wanted to do was cry. My baby Hope was that big when they took her from me. My friend deserves to be proud and talk about her baby. I'm just a wreck sometimes. I think I hide it well. But all night I just keep thinking of that ruler and how big my baby was when they took her from me. I regret having the ordeal planned. I should have just waited and let her come out on her own naturally, I would have had more time with her. I don't think I'll ever get over my poor baby Hope.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

So

So I suppose this deployment is moving right along. It's weird because as far as school and my life goes I feel like, wow it's already April. But as far as the deployment I can't believe how slow time is going by. Maybe because I talk to him nearly everyday, it makes it seem like it is going so slow. I know he is having a harder time then me due to his profile (restriction on work). Now he spends most of his time bored and I know that has got to be difficult. If you don't have a purpose, all you think about is going home where you can contribute. I know thats how I always felt when the Army had us doing something pointless/meaningless and was keeping us from our families. It's all about, how fast can we do this so we can go home. I know it must be frustrating for him to know, that home isn't happening anytime soon. It sucks having everything completely out of your control. But I suppose that is the military, you give up your freedom so others can benefit. This deployment has made me actually more secure in our relationship. I know that sounds weird because most females feel insecure because they cannot see everything their husbands are doing. I completely trust Arnold and that is the least of my worries. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about him, or miss him.

This puts strong faith into our relationship. I have never doubted my decision to marry him. I know everyday when I think of and yearn for his company, that there isn't another I'd rather be with. It's just frustrating because I married him so that I could be with him, and so I would never have to go to sleep alone or raise our daughter alone. And yet, here I am, alone every night and raising Kaycie alone. Sometimes I feel like a single mother. And I know it is not his fault. It's a sacrifice he is making. He is military, and I knew that when I married him. It doesn't make it easier, and deep down we both know that he loves the Army. He wouldn't have been happy with himself if he would have gotten out of this deployment. I just hope it ends sooner rather than later. They are saying he will need surgery on his knee, and that will add more time onto his deployment. It is upsetting, because I have been counting down the weeks till he'll be home. And now I have no idea...and not having a date or at least a time frame...makes you feel completely out of control of your life, your marriage...your future. So I just wait, because I do at least know, one day in the future I will have my husband back, and we will be happy.