Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Deployments...

...they take away your love one for far too long. They make you learn to live on your own, to not depend on anyone for anything. You must survive alone, face the world alone, raise your children alone. They take away your rock, your best friend, your lover and half your soul. Then when you just believe it will never end and you've lost your love...it throws him back into your arms. You cry with joy and are bloated with happiness. Then life settles in. The arguments start, and tears are shed. Who is this being you handed me back? Why has he changed?

You asked me to survive on my own, and now I have a second half that I must reason with, and make decisions with again? How are we suppose to find the groove we once had?

Dear Deployment, I will never forgive you for making me suffer the loss of my daughter alone. I will never forgive you for taking him from me in my darkest hour. For making me pick up my child's ashes alone. I will never forgive you for making me sleep in an empty bed that should have been filled with my newborns slumber sleep, and husbands gentle arms. And even as you continued to throw hardships at me for a year, I prevailed. We prevailed. So why do we now crumble and clash like a wave amongst a wall of rocks? Is it because we prevailed alone, that now we can no longer come together as one? We stand tall individually, but as awkward as a pair of thieves together.

Better

Things are a lot better...we've been able to discuss our issues. A lot of blaming was going on. We have a lot of issues and we just seemed to blame everything on each other. No one wanted to take responsibility for what was going on in our marriage. It should be "our" responsibility and each take half the blame. Even if he made foul decisions, I should support him and take some responsibility. Once we stopped slinging mud, words were able to be spoken and heard. I still feel like we have so much to work out, but know it will all be worth it. I just hope we can find some peace and enjoy the holidays. I cannot wait to spoil my girls rotten in the next few months. I love to see them smile. Missing you Hope, now and forever! My angle who got away...