Monday, June 11, 2012

Did you ever wonder where your identity goes when you become a mother? I must have read a million baby books before my first was born. I had plenty of friends, family and even strangers come to me and tell me what to expect. It was pretty obvious that my life was never going to be the same, but no one told me that I would lose myself. No one said that the being you were before is now gone. My whole life I have always been at the end of the line with a last name staring with "W", and now I feel like my self is still there at the end of the line. The mother is at the front, the leader of the pact of roles. She's stern and unforgivable, with every try to reach the front Jamie is pushed back and swore to stay away.  And what keeps Jamie at the back of the line is guilt. Guilt for wanting to just be herself for a day, guilt for wanting alone time, and guilt for wishing bottles and bath time wasn't her Saturday night.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Things have been extremely different lately, and honestly I don't feel like I have anyone to confide in so I suppose jotting down some notes here may help me feel some release from the ropes tying me down. I grew up with the attitude to never shed a tear and to never let any emotions show. It was really a mindset I had adapted to in my childhood where no matter what was inflicted on me, I would not let them see a single tear. I still have this temperament but it's getting harder to uphold. I wonder if I'm getting weaker as I age. I feel like my body is slowly giving out on me. I have various health issues that make my already challenging life difficult. I'm in pain most days, soon enough I hope the doctors find out exactly way. I think maybe that has had an effect on my emotions...causing me to be more emotional, because an individual can only handle a certain amount of pain before they break. I feel like I'm getting it from all directions, my heart, my stomach, my whole body just aches.  Most days even if I sleep threw the night I wake up exhausted and force myself to get threw my day this way. There are times when I feel so overwhelmed I'd give anything to just sit on the floor and cry and go into a deep sleep. But that isn't an option when I have two sets of eyes looking at me completely dependent on my next move.

I recently moved out of a bad situation, the landlord was family and she was a horrible landlord. She never made an attempt to fix anything in the house and I always attributed it to her own issues in her life. After we moved out she saw the condition of her home and voiced her opinion all over FB stating it looked like a foreclosed home and how could I allow my children to live there. This statements although carried no weight, had me reanalyze my whole parenting style and how well I take care of my kids. It's left me concluding that I can't do everything I have on my plate well, maybe I'm not strong enough to handle this load. But I do everything in my power to ensure my children are safe and well taken care of. I've worked 60-70 hour weeks with a full college load to be able to afford to give them a nice home and a safe vehicle. I work my ass off to make sure they are spoiled and have everything their little hearts desire. And for someone to accuse me of being a horrible mother and letting them live in slum, just absolutely enrages me. I am the type of person to have my home clean at all cost. If it means going to bed at two in the morning, then so be it the dishes and trash and home will be clean. This last semester I let a few things go, nothing extreme because my course work was overwhelming and the classes were harder. I was attending class on campus 4 days a week, and going to an EMT class 2 nights a week, and 40-50 work weeks.  I made average grades, I suppose was an average mother and an average worker.

I'm not complaining, I suppose I'm whining. My life is tough, some of it was my fault and some of it I was dealt. It could be worse, it could be better. I need to shake off these emotions and move on. I have unpacking to do, children to tend too, and homework and work.