Hope's Our Inspiration

Hannah

2011-11-22T18:45:00.001-08:00

Hannah-Marie was born October 18th at 0409 at Sentara Norfolk General. I was suppose to be induced that morning at 6 am. I had stayed up till around eleven o'clock working on some homework, after laying down for what seemed like only a few minutes I was woken up by my water breaking! I was excited that I got to experience it naturally. I almost went back to sleep I was so tired, thinking it's only my water breaking. I got up a few minutes later when a painful contraction hit me. I woke up my husband and jumped in the shower. I thought the water would stop, but it just kept gushing out of me. I got dressed the best I could and we left in a rush. The baby felt extremely low to me, and I started to worry. We arrived at the hospital and had to go through the ER, I kept telling them, I'm having contractions the baby is really low we need to get upstairs. My bp was 172/102 when they checked me in, they finally took me upstairs to labor and delivery and at this point the contractions were getting more intense.

The nurses didn't seem to hurried to see me and get me in a room. I remember being in pain and thinking what is taking them so long! Finally a nurse came into the room I was in and hooked me up to the monitor and started asking questions. They checked me and said I was only a 3 cm which I didn't believe. I was in extreme pain at this point with each contraction. They could not give me an epidural until my labs came back because I was on Heparin. It seemed like an eternity before they got the results and the lady started the epidural. It's was impossible to stay completely still while she tried to start it. She told me she had to work through my contractions, at this point I was throwing up after each contraction and almost passed out twice due to the pain. My bp was through the roof. She finished and they laid me down. Well the epidural took forever to kick in and it only barely numbed my feet, not my waist at all! They checked me again and I was at 7 cm, they went ahead and re-did the epidural to relieve my pain. Finally it started numbing the contractions and I got to lay down.

Arnold went to move the car from the ER parking lot, and the RN started hooking me back up to the monitor. She couldn't find the baby's heartbeat anywhere. She started calling people on the phone to come to my room stat, she called it a "cold baby". Then there was seven or eight people in my room in a matter of minutes. While she is trying to check for the baby, someone checks me and I am complete and crowned! They told me I needed to start pushing now, and of course I couldn't feel anything from the waist down. A RN called my husband who ended up making a U turn and parking the car in the exact same spot, he literally just left the parking lot it was that quick. He ran all the way to my room, as soon as he walked in they told him to hold my right leg and it was time to push. They told me when to push, it only took four contractions and my Hannah was out. She cried immediately and they rushed her off to be checked out. The doctor said she had the cord wrapped around her body a few times. It seemed like forever before I got to hold her. Finally they gave her to me and I got to met her. She was so quiet and just stared into my eyes. She nursed right away.

I was in an after delivery room by 6 am. It happened so fast I couldn't even grasp that I had just had a baby.

Big U/s today!

2011-05-25T17:35:00.000-07:00

We had our "big" ultrasound this evening, the baby looked nice and healthy! She measured in the 69% percent, and weights .9 ounces! Although I've gained 15 pounds, how does that work?! We got tons of great pictures and it's still a GIRL ! Our Kaycie has named her Hannah.

Couponing

2011-05-23T19:38:00.000-07:00

So, I suppose you can say I've jumped on the train. I saw a few episodes of "Extreme Couponing" and a light bulb went off in my head. It just seemed like the right thing to do considering my husband has been unemployed for the last 9 months! In the weeks where I was literally working 70 hours a week, it would have been nice to know a few couponing tricks! A few websites that really help me out are www.ourcouponhome.com, www.thekrazycouponlady.com, www.totallytarget.com. www.groupon.com.

Today's Target trip

1 Large Palmolive

6pk Energizer batteries

1 Nivea Bath Wash

3 Degree Mens Deodorant

4 pk BIC Soleil Razors

1 Aquafresh Kids Tooth Paste

1 Dulcolax

Out of pocket 16.60 Saved 17.55

Expecting

2011-05-16T22:57:00.000-07:00

Is definitely expecting again...and it's weird. It's almost as if I don't believe it. Even after three ultrasounds. Sometimes during the day it randomly hits me and I'm like, wow, I'm going to have a baby!

Due October 25th!

Deployments...

2010-11-09T00:48:00.000-08:00

...they take away your love one for far too long. They make you learn to live on your own, to not depend on anyone for anything. You must survive alone, face the world alone, raise your children alone. They take away your rock, your best friend, your lover and half your soul. Then when you just believe it will never end and you've lost your love...it throws him back into your arms. You cry with joy and are bloated with happiness. Then life settles in. The arguments start, and tears are shed. Who is this being you handed me back? Why has he changed?

You asked me to survive on my own, and now I have a second half that I must reason with, and make decisions with again? How are we suppose to find the groove we once had?

Dear Deployment, I will never forgive you for making me suffer the loss of my daughter alone. I will never forgive you for taking him from me in my darkest hour. For making me pick up my child's ashes alone. I will never forgive you for making me sleep in an empty bed that should have been filled with my newborns slumber sleep, and husbands gentle arms. And even as you continued to throw hardships at me for a year, I prevailed. We prevailed. So why do we now crumble and clash like a wave amongst a wall of rocks? Is it because we prevailed alone, that now we can no longer come together as one? We stand tall individually, but as awkward as a pair of thieves together.

Better

2010-11-09T00:43:00.000-08:00

Things are a lot better...we've been able to discuss our issues. A lot of blaming was going on. We have a lot of issues and we just seemed to blame everything on each other. No one wanted to take responsibility for what was going on in our marriage. It should be "our" responsibility and each take half the blame. Even if he made foul decisions, I should support him and take some responsibility. Once we stopped slinging mud, words were able to be spoken and heard. I still feel like we have so much to work out, but know it will all be worth it. I just hope we can find some peace and enjoy the holidays. I cannot wait to spoil my girls rotten in the next few months. I love to see them smile. Missing you Hope, now and forever! My angle who got away...

Ending

2010-10-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

Has seriously been watching my marriage fall apart over the last few weeks...it's horrifying. He keeps making one horrible decision after another...I'm the only glue holding us up right now. I feel like I'm doing everything by myself and he is dead weight. He keeps trying to pull me under with him, and I keep pushing him away. I resent him more everyday...I expect him to just wake up one day and realize his mistakes and put forth effort. Not sure where things are heading, but I'm making plans for me and my daughter...she is my everything and I have to make sure she is taken care of. Starting to look for another place to stay...

Different

2010-10-18T20:06:00.000-07:00

Things have been insane this year. It's like a constant down whirl spiral, I'm left dazed and wondering exactly who I am and where I'm going. As soon as I get a good grasp and new direction, I get knocked down again. I just keep getting back up. I'm not strong, I just simply don't have a choice with all the demands in life. I can't call out sick, I can't skip class, I can't stop being a mom. Thank god for the little moments, the moments of silence that last just long enough to take a deep breathe and remember your purpose. The moments that just give you enough time to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'll get to the end of the tunnel, and he will embrace me...

this album keeps me going...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0c5pXzaXTc

Whew

2010-05-02T09:12:00.000-07:00

Thought I lost my blog, and I was extremely upset. There are blogs on here expressing my thoughts and hopes for my baby girl. What I felt, how I dealt. I want to keep them forever because I never want to forget her. I'm so worried that ten years from now I won't remember her. :(

So glad I recovered my blog.

2010-04-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

Today

2010-04-19T18:39:00.001-07:00

Today a friend of mine was telling me about her ultrasound. She is eighteen weeks pregnant and was told her baby was six inches head to butt. She even grabbed a ruler and was showing me the size. Seriously all I wanted to do was cry. My baby Hope was that big when they took her from me. My friend deserves to be proud and talk about her baby. I'm just a wreck sometimes. I think I hide it well. But all night I just keep thinking of that ruler and how big my baby was when they took her from me. I regret having the ordeal planned. I should have just waited and let her come out on her own naturally, I would have had more time with her. I don't think I'll ever get over my poor baby Hope.

So

2010-04-18T19:59:00.000-07:00

So I suppose this deployment is moving right along. It's weird because as far as school and my life goes I feel like, wow it's already April. But as far as the deployment I can't believe how slow time is going by. Maybe because I talk to him nearly everyday, it makes it seem like it is going so slow. I know he is having a harder time then me due to his profile (restriction on work). Now he spends most of his time bored and I know that has got to be difficult. If you don't have a purpose, all you think about is going home where you can contribute. I know thats how I always felt when the Army had us doing something pointless/meaningless and was keeping us from our families. It's all about, how fast can we do this so we can go home. I know it must be frustrating for him to know, that home isn't happening anytime soon. It sucks having everything completely out of your control. But I suppose that is the military, you give up your freedom so others can benefit. This deployment has made me actually more secure in our relationship. I know that sounds weird because most females feel insecure because they cannot see everything their husbands are doing. I completely trust Arnold and that is the least of my worries. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about him, or miss him.

This puts strong faith into our relationship. I have never doubted my decision to marry him. I know everyday when I think of and yearn for his company, that there isn't another I'd rather be with. It's just frustrating because I married him so that I could be with him, and so I would never have to go to sleep alone or raise our daughter alone. And yet, here I am, alone every night and raising Kaycie alone. Sometimes I feel like a single mother. And I know it is not his fault. It's a sacrifice he is making. He is military, and I knew that when I married him. It doesn't make it easier, and deep down we both know that he loves the Army. He wouldn't have been happy with himself if he would have gotten out of this deployment. I just hope it ends sooner rather than later. They are saying he will need surgery on his knee, and that will add more time onto his deployment. It is upsetting, because I have been counting down the weeks till he'll be home. And now I have no idea...and not having a date or at least a time frame...makes you feel completely out of control of your life, your marriage...your future. So I just wait, because I do at least know, one day in the future I will have my husband back, and we will be happy.

Been a while

2010-03-17T17:57:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I posted. February was such a busy month, but it was indeed pleasant to see my husband again. I think late January, early February was such a blur with Hope's due date coming up. I think I thought about her ever day up until then and had myself in an emotional frenzy. I've been a lot better since her due date. I still think of her but in better ways. The other day I was running my usual run and I was thinking back to last April when I first found out I was pregnant. I had started going for light jogs because I was worried that I would gain tons of weight again (wow I wish that was the only thing I had to worry about). While I used to jog down the street pregnant with her I would always talk to her because they say you can jog pregnant but should be able to talk. :) I remember telling her one day, "I'm going to name you Hope, but your Daddy likes Hailey better, I'll just wait till your born to tell him!" So now when I run down the same path I have good thoughts to think, and I always image her with me!

I suppose it's gotten easier with Arnold gone. I don't even really think about it anymore, it's our way of life now. Talking to him through a computer screen is now normal. There are plenty of times I wish I could reach out and touch his face or kiss him. But he will be home soon enough.

A friend asked me the other day a question about my blog and I realized I never update the page. Kaycie's murmur was a functional one, the doctor said he couldn't even hear it while she was sitting up! When she laid down he could hear it very slightly and said it was nothing to worry about. We can bring her back in a few years to check again, but he thinks by then it will be gone. She is doing great, running around and giggling and talking up a storm always! Today was the first day I took her to the sitters and she cried when I turned to leave. She was crying by the window when I drove away and I wanted to turn my car around so bad and take her home! I thought I'll drop all my classes today, and stay home with my baby! But yeah thats not going to work, without college I won't be able to afford her toys and addiction to Gerber cheese puffs!

Also I have no big "news", while my husband was home we did not try to conceive. I really was just not ready too. It's weird, because I seriously drove myself crazy for months wondering if we would and if it'd work and then he came home and I just knew I wasn't ready. I didn't want to "hurry up" and replace what I had lost. I felt like I needed more time to grieve for Hope, she deserves my thoughts and emotions. Getting pregnant again would have made me think less of her, and I don't want to forget her. I would love to have more children, maybe sometime in the future I will be ready again.

School is absolutely insane right now anyways! Biology is kicking my butt, I'm starting clinicals and poor Physics is on the back burner. I hope what I have wrote makes sense, I'm running on little to no sleep and decided it'd be a great idea to work out on top of that! But going to bed very soon.

2010-02-04T16:06:00.000-08:00

Hope

2010-02-01T19:25:00.001-08:00

I don't want you to believe that your existence has only brought me sorrow. There was a reason that I was touched so profoundly...I will find the reason- my love.

dissappointment

2010-01-14T17:55:00.000-08:00

So Dh was suppose to start his travel Wednesday night and it's now Thursday night and he still hasn't even left his base yet. He is suppose to leave early Friday morning but I have my doubts. I was so excited to see my husband...wow I don't even know why I allowed myself to get excited.

Had to make another appointment for Kaycie to see the doctor tomorrow. She has had so many stomach issues lately it is insane. The poor thing constantly has diarrhea and is miserable with rashes. I'm trying so hard to be a good mother to her, but feel like this is my fault in some way. I try my hardest to organize her diet, she is allergic to so many things. But it's not working. I hope the doctor takes me seriously tomorrow. I can't bear to see her with more stomach issues tomorrow, her poor butt is so bad she won't even sit down and screams when I put her in the car seat! Not to mention she has an appointment on Tuesday with a cardiologist for her heart murmur. I pray that it is a functional murmur that she will grow into. I just would not be able to bear it if she had a serious problem. My Hope is gone, my husband is deployed. She is all I have, my cuddlebug, my pride and joy! If there is something seriously wrong with her, I will just crumple. I can be strong about a lot of things...until you mess with my babies.

Home Bound

2010-01-13T05:16:00.000-08:00

Arnold's on his way home!!! He was suppose to start his journey in the "evening" his time, which is now! I have school all day, thank gosh or I'd just sit by the phone, LOL. He is suppose to call me as he progresses, I hope he is here tomorrow morning! It's touch and go with the travel, he can only get on flights with available seats, so there is no guarantee. Some soldiers got home in 24 hours, some in four days! Keep your fingers cross it will be tomorrow!

2010-01-09T17:37:00.000-08:00

This is Hope Athena at sixteen weeks and she was still with us. Love you baby!!!

Lately

2010-01-09T16:40:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I have been on. I feel like I only want to write when I'm depressed or sad and I don't want every post to be that way. I'm pretty frustrated right now with things but my hubby is coming home in a few days so I can only be but so sad!

The last few days have been difficult for me. A person I know threw family members gave birth last night to a baby girl. I knew it was coming, she found out she was pregnant a month before me. Well, apparently she needed a few last minute items and my sister was picking the things up for her from Babyrus. We were going to hang out after so we planned on meeting there at eleven. So I get there at eleven and I should have known my sister was going to be late. So there I was in the middle of the newborn aisle looking for newborn onsies for someone else's baby girl. I picked a few out and wondered how many pounds Hope could have been, and whether or not she would have been born with hair and what color. I didn't cry. I'm proud of that. I was just calm and cold, I guess. I thought about how I should have been shopping for my Hope. Buying her, her first outfit. Now I want to cry because I realize she never got to wear clothes. It still angers me that I never got to hold her, she was twenty weeks I should have been able too.

But anyways, I survived that today. Then my sister was looking at all the clothes after we were already done. And I asked her what she was doing. And she said "picking out clothes for my imagery baby". And I thought, I guess that is what I was doing too.

Hubby is coming home in a few days and we have discussed trying for another baby. I so want to have another child. I have been in a constant fight with myself over whether or not we would try on his leave for months. It's ate at me everyday, some nights not going to bed till two am. I really still do not know what to do. We could use a bigger place and I'm in college. It is probably not the best time. But I so want another baby, and am willing to put in the extra time and work. My main concern is hubby finding a job after this deployment. I don't want to be irresponsible and say screw it and get pregnant only to have the whole family suffer later because of me. I suppose the decision will be made in the heat of the moment.

We even talked about names today, and I got so excited. If we have another girl it will be Chloe or Sophia and if it is a boy, his name will be Logan. :)

I'm putting together a case for Hope's ashes. I want it to be white with a glass door. I want to sit Hope's ashes in it with her name written across the middle of it in pink. I want to put her ultrasound pictures in there with a little pair of baby shoes.

Missing him

2009-11-10T19:34:00.000-08:00

Errrrrrrr, I'm so over this. I want my husband home right now. Sick of grieving alone. Sick of being alone. I want my husband. I don't want to worry everyday that he is okay, I don't to see him on my laptop in a little box. I want to be in the room with him, I want to touch him, I want to smell him. I want to be in his arms. I long to have that moment where I feel safe in his arms...like nothing in the world can touch me. He is my protector and my hero...and it's like he is unreachable. And I never wanted to be a single mother...I want him home for my baby girl, she misses her daddy. She deserves her daddy...last few days have been so hard. I want to hear the keys jiggle in the door, I want to hear it open, and hear him say "Baby?".

This sucks...

2009-11-09T20:57:00.000-08:00

So I received a call to confirm an ultrasound for tomorrow, I cancelled when my baby died. I scheduled it with a company who does 3D u/s, I booked the appointment at 14 weeks, being my naive self. I wanted to get really good pictures of the baby to send to my DH whose in Iraq. I cancelled the appointment a month ago. It was hard enough to cancel the appointment and say out loud my baby died. But now I just get another slap in the face, that I'm not pregnant. My baby is gone. Just a shitty day, I failed a huge test, I'm sick, and then that. I should just go to bed but I can't stop thinking of everything that sucks in my life right now...I know she is gone, but I want her back. I don't want another baby, I want my Hope.

It's not funny

2009-10-15T18:56:00.000-07:00

It's funny how one little thing can ruin my whole "it's okay" thought process. I've been doing really well with dealing with things; my loss and my husband deployed. Hell I even went into "Maternity Mother" last week because I knew they sold animal crackers and Kaycie needed a snack. Yes, I was asked when I was due, and given a free "Expecting" bag full of coupons for formula. I brushed it off and kept rolling. I look at pregnant woman and don't cringe or get jealous anymore. As far as Arnold being deployed I've just dealt with it. He is gone, theres nothing I can do.

Well after one bad (small) incident, I was knocked off my "happy" horse today and just feel like everything sucks. I remember the day I found out Hope had passed I remember sobbing to Arnold, this wasn't the way it was suppose to happen. I remember being in the OR before they put me to sleep thinking, this isn't the way I was suppose to have her. And tonight I sit here thinking, this isn't how we had planned things. Right now I'm suppose to be 25 weeks pregnant with my baby girl, paying of debt with Arnold's army pay and saving for our house. Now I'm not pregnant, still trying to pay off medical bills and feeling miserable.

It's the worse feeling ever when you need your Hubby and he isn't there. And I know he isn't because he can't be but it's getting so old. He wasn't here the morning I found out Hope had issues. He wasn't here for any doctor visits after that, when I kept finding out things were worse with her. He wasn't here the day the genetic counselor called to say it was "Turners", and he wasn't here when they took her from me. And now when I do get depressed about our situation, I can't even pick up the phone and call him or text him. He is in Iraq. Why did everything have to go so wrong while he was gone? Is this a test of my strength? Am I suppose to go through this alone? I know I can get through this, the worse has passed. I'm just feeling the aftermath. I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing, trying to be the best mom possible to Kaycie, getting good grades for our future, and taking better care of my body.

I'm going to bed, hopefully tomorrow morning I'll wake up in good spirits with the "I think I can" attitude. I think all I really need is to see my Kaycie smile, and all will be good again. I think this is the only time I have ever wanted her to be NOT sleeping :)

When to have another...

2009-10-08T18:47:00.000-07:00

When I first lost Hope, I thought that I would never want to try again or have another baby. And now not even a month later I am constantly thinking about trying again. I am almost glad my husband is deployed because I would probably be in serious turmoil everyday wondering if we should try. At least with him not here I can't make a crazy decision. He will not be home until late January when he gets his leave. So now I ask myself everyday if we will try when he is home. I know that my baby Hope is gone and getting pregnant again will not bring her back. I am worried that I am trying to fill that void but at the same time I so wanted another baby to love and to hold. If we don't try in January we won't be able to again until August maybe even September 2010, which means I won't even have the baby till 2011! That seems so far away to me. I don't think I want to wait that long. Gosh I don' t know what to do. I know I have 3 months to make the decision but I just wish I knew. I don't even know if I will be able to handle being pregnant again, I will be an emotional wreck until the baby is actually born and in my arms.

No more baby stuff

2009-10-03T15:18:00.001-07:00

I suppose it is the perfect time. Kaycie is now a toddler and doesn't need any of her baby things. I was keeping everything around for Hope, but she is gone. So I spent the whole day boxing up all of Kaycie's old toys, onsies, everything! All her summer clothes are put away and all of her cute baby toys. She doesn't play with any of them anymore, they don't hold her attention. I also cleaned out my closest. A week before I found out Hope passed I had finally taken my maternity clothes out of storage and they have been laying on my closest floor for a few weeks. I really needed to get them out of there, looking at them everyday sucked. So now I have no more maternity clothes and no more baby things. I feel like I've cleansed myself today. Not to forget about Hope but more like to make it final. She's not coming home so there is no need for these things.

While I was boxing up Kaycies summer clothes I came across a onsies I had bought for the new baby, I was so certain that it was going to be a boy. I had bought a onsies that said "Daddies little helper" and it's blue. Sometimes I wonder if I would still be pregnant if it had been a boy. Turners Syndrome only happens to girls. I always feel guilty when I think this. I don't want to forget about Hope or wish her away by wishing I had a boy.

I couldn't bring myself to throw away the onsie, so I just put it in with all of her clothes. I had bought it at a time when I was still an innocent mommy, thinking nothing in the world could be wrong with my baby, a happy pregnant mommy. That's broken now, I will never look at pregnancy the same. I have to hold onto that moment, even if it's just a onsie.

Sick again

2009-09-28T18:01:00.000-07:00

Well I've had a headache for 7 days straight now. I wake up with it, I go to bed with it, I wake up in the middle of the night because it hurts so bad. I called the Obgyn's office who saw me last and they said they didn't think it had anything to do with having the baby. So I called my other Obgyn for a second opinion, and they said the same thing. So I went to a regular doctor who after blood work said I did have an infection. After tons and tons of medicine, a shot to relieve pressure in my head and vicodine, I still have a freaking headache.

I just want my body to go back to normal so I can move on. I am so ready to work out and lose wieght and get back to normal.

Thank you

2009-09-24T16:44:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who reads my vents, and for your kind words.

It's late

2009-09-23T21:26:00.000-07:00

It's 1230 am and of course I'm up thinking about things. I am able to keep myself busy all day long and then when it's time to settle down and get ready for bed, I go nuts. I'm sitting here wondering why this happened to us? I know I will never get an answer, I know that it was just a random error that my baby girl had Turners. With Turners syndrome a baby girl is missing an X chromosome. I'm not very religious, which I'm thankful for because I suppose right now I 'd be damning God, and then confused. I believe it was just an error. But I really wish there was someone to blame. It would be easier to be able to point a finger and get angry. I'm glad I'm smart enough not to blame myself. I think in loss, especially in a situation like this, the mother always blames herself. Theres a million things your not suppose to do pregnant. I'm sure theres a mother out there that would find something she did and blame it on herself.

So I'm not mad at god or myself. I just have blind anger. Not directed at anyone. I just keep thinking, "I just want my baby girl". But I know she is gone. It's hard shopping for Kaycie now, I have to shop in the baby section. I have to shop for her diapers and wipes. I have to walk by the little baby clothes and socks. It's depressing. I shopped for her today and just tried my hardest to block out my thoughts of Hope. If I let myself, I will start wondering random things about Hope, would she have like baby food? Would she have liked to sleep on her belly or back? I'm angry that I will never be able to breast fed her, I was really looking forward to that again this pregnancy. I was really thinking of trying to make it breast feeding for one year.

I have all Kaycie's old clothes and car seat in my bedroom. I can't wait until I can get it in storage. It's waiting for a baby that will never come.

In a few days I will be driving to Richmond to pick up her ashes. I wonder if having her here will ease the pain? I am looking for a sweet baby urn to put them in. I hope one day when I pass that her ashes will be scattered with mine.

One day

2009-09-21T17:09:00.000-07:00

I wish my family members would understand that one day I may seem fine and the other day I just want to be left alone. GOODNESS SAKES PEOPLE it hasn't even been a week yet. I can only pretend to be happy but for so long.

This time last week I was sitting at home with my husband being thrilled he was home on leave. I was nervous but hopeful of my ultrasound. No where in my mind did I think my baby was gone. I was seriously thinking wow, she made it this far, she'll probably make it. And having my husband here just made it feel like everything was going to be alright. And the next day I was hit with the worst news of my life.

And tomorrow it will be one week.

Today

2009-09-21T14:49:00.000-07:00

Well today my milk came in. It's so awful to have full breasts and no baby. Of course I was holding Kaycie while she was crying after falling and it dropped. Leaked all over, I had a feeling it was going to happen and was wearing nursing pads. My mom was over, I just kept quiet. I was able to "dry up" when I stopped breast feeding Kaycie in a day so I'm hoping in a few days they will be back to normal. It's just another painful reminder.

Someone told me today after hearing about Hope's loss, "well maybe it was for the best". Are you fucking serious? I'm so sick of hearing this statement. She was my baby, I didn't care that she had Turners Syndrome. She would have been my perfect little baby girl and I would have loved her just the same. Having an issue like Turners doesnt' mean you don't deserve to live because you are different. Then she said, "well it wouldn't have been fair to Kaycie." HuH? Are you serious? I have no doubt in my mind that Kaycie would have loved her baby sister just the way she was. My little sister had a stroke at a week old and is handicap in many ways. I loved her in my own special way growing up and was always a mother figure to her, taking special care of her and feeling like her "protector". I don't think it would have been any different with Kaycie. It's not fair that Kaycie lost her baby sister.

So I really wish people would stop telling me maybe this is better. It's not better that my baby died.

Today

2009-09-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

Just when I think the days should be getting better. I came home last night without my baby. She was not in my belly and was not in my arms. I really didn't want to leave the hospital with out her. Then I came home to an empty house. My husband had come home on leave but left while I was away. He left his clothes on the bed, as if he would be coming home soon to put them back on. I don't want to move them because that means he really won't be coming home anytime soon, one whole year. So half my family is missing. I picked up Kaycie this morning and right now she really is my only reason for living. For getting out of bed and going about my day. My precious Kaycie is all I have right now.

I wonder when this terrible feeling is going to go away. It's just a feeling of complete emptiness. I know I'm not pregnant anymore but I don't have a baby to hold either.

Hope

2009-09-15T14:53:00.001-07:00

Our baby girl has grew wings and gone to heaven. We found out threw ultrasound this morning. It is officially the worst day of my life. There is no words to describe the amount of pain I am in.

She's Okay

2009-09-10T07:01:00.000-07:00

I feel horrible now, I had posted about my cramping and never posted the outcome! Well after two days of cramping and back pain everything is fine. I've felt her move around and heard her heartbeat. She is still fighting in there. I'm shocked, I can't wait to see how she is doing on Tuesday at our next ultrasound. I really hope that she has improved.

I had the wierdest dream ever last night.....I was on the second floor of a building. All my friends and family members were also on the floor. It was like a game show, I was in the show and was fighting against one other person for first place. The prize was a million dollars. All my friends and family members were sitting at tables eating, drinking and having a good time. There was a maze within the crowds and tables, after completing the maze and being the first one done, I looked around the room for my prize. There was a split second pause as I held my breath waiting for the announcer to state that I had won and that I was rich. I looked around the room at all the smiling faces and celebrating family members. Then an explosion happened, throwing me backwards. When I came too, the building was in shambles. I looked for family members but where they were sitting was only black charcoaled remains. There were a few survivors I did not know. A few running around on fire. In a daze I jumped off the floor onto the sidewalk and just looked up and down the street. Other buildings were damaged and falling apart.

One of the employees of the show came outside and sat on the sidewalk. I sat next to him. He asked me if I was okay. I whispered, "yeah, yeah I just finished the race...I was first...."

"Well, you can't expect us to pay you now."

oh

2009-09-07T22:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I woke up this morning with cramping. But then again I've had a lot of it this pregnancy. I almost knew something was wrong before that ultrasound that proved it. My stomach was always sore and it was almost painful when the baby moved? Not sure why that is. I went to the doctors last week because I was cramping and it ended up being nothing. But I have to be neutral. I spent most of the day trying to keep myself as busy as possible. Really although I've felt horrible all day it wasn't until now I started really thinking about the situation. It's sad but I told my DH I was cramping and was just like if it gets worse I'll go to the ER, if not I'll just stay at home. I figured I'd be panicking or something. But I suppose I've accepted what will probably happen and will deal with it as calmly as possible. It's kinda horrible. I have a bag packed for DD so in case it gets worse I can just scoop her up in the car and take her to a sitter to go to the ER.

I don't want it to happen but I fear it is coming.

ARGH

2009-09-01T15:57:00.000-07:00

Is starting to feel silly trying to believe my baby will make it. She has hydrops, sepated cystic hygroma, a heart defect and Turners syndrome. I'm trying so hard to believe but it's impossible. If I contuine the pregnancy out of my own selfish wish for her survival, really what quality of life will she have? She will look differently then her classmates, have the potential to have an array of learning disabilities, an array of health issues including diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, kidney failure. Not to mention she will never go thru puberty and will never be able to concieve children. Will she want to live?

Am I making the right choice giving her a fighting chance?

Results

2009-08-31T13:28:00.000-07:00

We have finally gotten the results of the amino and our baby girl has Turners syndrome. This is great news considering the other predictions. She is nowhere out of the woods yet, she still has a severe heart defect to overcome. Our next ultrasound is in two weeks to see if her hydrops and cysts have gone down. Also a heart specialist will be there to tell us how serious her heart condition is and if it is fixable.

Thank you all for your support. We are just hoping to get to twenty weeks, her chances of surviving go up after that.

Tomorrow

2009-08-30T20:20:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I get my amino results. I am so tired but cannot sleep. I think me and DH decided that if it is Tri 13/18 we will terminate. But saying it and actually doing it or two different things. I don't think I will be able to go thru with it, but then again I don't think I could go thru with carrying a baby full term to have it born stillborn or die the first week...98 percent of babies with Edwards syndrome don't make it to full term and 95 percent die the first week. It's so difficult. I'm trying to have an answer ready when they call but don't think I will be able too. I have a strong feeling she will have a disorder between the fluid in her spine and her femur bones are measuring 2 weeks behind. Maybe I've just been in denial this whole time and tomorrow when they tell me the truth I will be crushed. I've been strong and confident this whole week but I think the end is getting closer.

Waiting

2009-08-29T09:24:00.000-07:00

I suppose you could say the weekend is halfway over. Friday is done and Saturday is halfway over. I just have to get thru the rest of the day and tomorrow. I'm trying to stay as busy as possible. But I have to wonder, what am I suppose to be doing? When your told your probably going to miscarry any moment on any day, what are you suppose to be doing? These could be the final days and am I doing things right? Is there something I will regret not doing later?

I just try to think of her in a positive light. I don't think of her as sick, I think of her as my perfect little girl ! She was such a busy bee in my belly! She liked to lay on her stomach and bring her knees up to her chest. She had the cutest little butt!

I know I'm torturing myself but I think of her has how she will be when born and she will be so small and tender. She will have a frial little cry and will sleep so peacefully in my arms. I can image what she will smell like, and can image smoothing down her little baby hair.

I've stopped looking on the internet and going over "what if's?" or different outcomes. I'm at ease with just letting natural take it's course. What will happen is already set. The test is already in progress and the results were decided 4 1/2 months ago. I just didn't know.

Until then all I can do is talk to her and make sure she feels loved. I have a 3D picture of her now and it's framed. Everytime I walk by it I think, "hey baby Hope, I hope your doing okay in there"!

It's so confusing

2009-08-27T18:17:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here thinking how on earth can I just go about my day knowing my baby is fighting? Like how am I suppose to just do normal everyday things knowing my poor baby is filled with fluid and her little heart is pounding overtime. I know I can't stop living my life and I need to contuine on for Kaycie. But really, the guilt is unbelieveable.

My blog

2009-08-27T17:50:00.000-07:00

I am starting this blog for many reasons. One is that there are a lot of family members and friends who are deeply concerned and hoping for the best for our baby. I would like to keep everyone informed without having to re-live the nightmare everytime someone asks. Second, the best way for me to deal with it is to write. I have always done this. This is the best way for me to communicate my feelings. No. I don't want to talk about it. No. I don't want a hug. I'm sorry but that is just how I am. It's almost selfish because I know a lot of family members need hugs right now, but I can't. Maybe when I've come to terms. If that makes sense?

I would rather deal with it alone. But really writing about it helps me, it's my own therapy. I don't even care if anyone else reads it. It's poured out of me and so it is at peace.

I suppose if you can deal with my bad spelling, you could contuine on this journey with me.

Our pregnancy story

2009-08-27T17:26:00.000-07:00

At 15 weeks 3 days I went in for a routine ultrasound and the tech discovered our baby had a cystic hygroma. I was set up an appointment with a fetal specialist a week later. I was uneasy about the time spent "not knowing" what was wrong with my child. The doctor had only briefly said "well it could be genetic, a heart defect or nothing". And that was it! I spent the whole week looking up all the possible outcomes and what exactly could be wrong with my baby. By the end of the week I was feeling positive and deciding to be as hopefull as possible. I would catch myself thinking or planning something for the baby and then stopping myself. Telling myself, "you should wait".

Well today was the big day, the day of truth. I had a detailed ultrasound. I spent the whole ride up there (it was an hour away) praying the baby had a heartbeat. That was my first obstacle. Let there be a heartbeat and then I'll worry about the cysts. As soon as the ultrasound tech started, I could see the cysts. They are about the same size as the babies head. I was dissappointed but hopeful. I have read that they can go down on their own up till 30 weeks. The ultrasound tech looked at all the organs and head. Taking her time and taking tons of pictures. Finally after about an hour she said she was going to get the doctor to explain everything.

Well the doctor, the tech and the genetic counselor all walked into the room. The doctor stated, "today is not a happy day for you, let me show you everything that is wrong'. He first went to the babies heart and told me that she had a severe heart defect. The tech was unable to find the fourth chamber! I thought she spent a lot of time on the heart but it looked fine to me. The heartbeat sounded normal and was at 160. Then he went over the cysts and then the fluid in the babies spine. He clearly stated he thought the baby had a chromosome issue and a heart defect and asked me if I wanted to terminate right now. That was a complete shock, actually I didn't even remeber that part until later on.

Well I was not going to take all of this laying down (even though I was on the table). I asked him if the baby had "hydrops" or was the fluid only in the cysts. He confirmed yes the baby had fluid all in her organs and under her skin. I then asked for an amino and that I wanted the FISH results that could be given in 48 hours. The doctor seemed shocked. He said yes, they could do that. I informed them all that I was not going to just terminate my baby. I would wait for the amino results and see if the baby had a chromosome issue. Only then if it came back positive for a life threatening syndrome would I consider termination. I also stated if the tests came back normal then I would wait until the baby could see a cardio specialist and tell me exactly what was wrong with her heart. I had done my research and had already knew the doctor would suggest termination.

I don't understand it, why would they not give the baby a chance? Is our society so obessed with perfection that they'd just terminate an unperfect baby?

You'll really asking me if you want me to let you take the baby out of me still alive and let it die? After I just watched my baby on the screen dancing and playing in my belly? Are you serious right now?

I'm not a super religious person, but I believe although all odds are against my baby she is fighting in there. Her little heart is pumping away with a passion. I will not give up on her. When she is ready and tired and wants to go to heaven, I will let her. And I will be there for her in her journey.